What (not?) to Say When Cancer Comes Close to Home

 A few years ago my friend Rachel*, a vibrant wife and mother of 2 young children in her late 30's, was diagnosed with breast cancer.

 The shock and horror of that diagnosis and at such a young age took its toll on her family.  I know when I found out it really hit me that for the first time, I was now old enough to have a friend that could God forbid, lose their life from a degenerative disease.

  I spent hours crying and praying for her well being and for the strength to face the surgery, chemotherapy and possibly radiation that she would be exposed to.

 Before our first visit after receiving the news, I was struggling internally for what to say. How could I convey understanding, be supportive, yet without resorting to pity and condescension?  

  But then it came to me! The perfect and most certainly fear reducing response I could share. Words that would surely give her and her family comfort and peace as they navigated through the uncertainty of what was to come.

 The time came. I greeted my good friend with a hug and sincere inquiry on how she was feeling. How were she and her family were coping?  Did they need anything; meals, housecleaning?

  Then, I shared what I just knew would be well received and appreciated..

  I said, “You know Rachel, when I first heard the news of your diagnosis, I was so shocked and scared for you. Cried and prayed for you. But then, I realized and remembered that cancer isn’t the only disease that women your age are stricken with. Yeah, heart disease is actually the number one killer of women. And thousands of women die every year of ovarian, lung, pancreatic, and brain cancer. Too many to name really.”

  I continued, “So, what I’m saying is yes, you are dealing with breast cancer right now and a rare type at that.   But we really need to talk about building  awareness for ALL diseases that kill women, don’t ya think?  I mean, isn’t it just a bit selfish of you to expect me, your family and all your friends to be so focused on your experience when there are so many other illnesses out there that people are suffering from?  Come on Rachel suck it up, accept your diagnosis with some guts and dignity, because ALL DISEASES MATTER..”

 Now, if you are the kind of individual that I would be proud to call a friend, I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that you were mortified and disgusted by what you’ve just read.   Do I have a friend that was recently diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer? Yes.  While I admit to exaggerating her story here for effect, I did not actually attempt to bring ‘comfort’ to her by defensively  creating memes  throwing back in her face all the other diseases that women suffer and often die from, smugly listing them one by one.   How do you think that would have made her feel?    

*Rachel is a pseudonym. 

BLACKLIVESMATTER

#CrimingWhileWhite 

#AliveWhileBlack  

Unarmed People of Color Killed by Police, 1999-2014

ABC Nightline episode: Hashtags Raise Questions About Race, White Privilege

Breakdown

We'd been talking on the phone a while and I don't even remember how we got on the subject, but I was not happy. My birthday was coming up soon.  He tried his best to be encouraging and to reassure me that I had indeed made valuable accomplishments in my life. But in that state of mind, it was hard for me to hear, hard to accept. All I knew was that I was about to turn 40 and in my mind had not achieved the level of whatever success I thought I should have by that time.  Funny thing is, the birthday that I was on the precipice of during that fateful call with my boyfriend, now husband, was not 40.     I was a couple of days from turning 37.

Yes, I half-jokingly call it a 'breakdown'. And I mean no disrespect to those who have truly struggled with mental illness and challenges along those lines.  But for me that night, my world seemed overwhelming and I was coming to the realization that I was not where I wanted to be in life or where I thought I should be 'by then'. 

Now, this may seem like a pretty depressing post for a woman who celebrated her 50th birthday only a few days ago and had a wonderful time doing so.  

The funny part about that late night conversation with my ever patient boyfriend/husband, is that while I was whining away about how tough I had it, unbeknownst to me, he had planned a wonderful birthday celebration for us at a dinner theatre including a concert with one of my favorite recording artists, Kenny Loggins.  He told me later how helpless and frustrated he was feeling, yet couldn't say anything or else spoil the surprise.

For fun, I asked my husband for his take on that little chat of ours and how he remembered it.  First, he chuckled, shook his head, and then proceeded to break out into: " I'll never....wa wa wa..i'm old...ugghhhhh....I still haven't....!"

You know, kind of like this..

Sure it seems funny now. But believe me, that night it was anything but.

So, contemplating life now at the half century mark, I'd like to believe I've gained some perspective.    Are there still things I want to accomplish?  Yep, tons.  Do I have regrets? Sure.

But I'd like to think I've come to a place of more peace and acceptance with who I am, warts and all.

What about you? Any particular birthdays that threw you into an emotional talespin?

Happy Veganversary to Me! Sort of..

I went vegetarian waaaay back in 1990. My motivations at the time were for health reasons. Two close relatives had died of diabetes complications and from what I learned from my research into nutrition and disease, those who followed a more plant based diet, seemed to have less degenerative diseases and longer lifespans.

Fast forward a few years later, a story I've shared from a previous post, I began to seriously look at the ethical reasons behind not eating animals and animal products.  I don't know if I would have been open to it all those years ago back in the 90's. The horrific treatment of veal calves being the exception.  I had never eaten veal before, so I had no culinary attachment to it  them. Cheese and eggs on the other hand? I think you see where I'm going with this.

So, around the end of 2006, I began to discover the invisible world of the animal rights/vegan movement. Well, invisible to me anyway. I soon learned there were conventions, cookbooks, websites, and podcasts.
 If I had to share the one method that the animals unintentionally worked their way into my heart, I would have to lay that at the feet of several, but mostly two tireless activists and their podcasts.

Today, I want to highlight one. His name is Erik Marcus, creator of the site vegan.com. His podcast (no longer on unfortunately) opened my eyes to the atrocities of animal agribusiness I had previously been so ignorant to.  His passionate conviction, coupled with the many guests he interviewed from across the spectrum of the animal rights community,aided in winning me over in a matter of a few short months. That and his sarcastic dry wit and sense of humor..  :)

Erik's site has recently been updated and relaunched. Tons of fabulous resources and info whether you just have questions about this vegan thing or are a long-term vegan. And all presented in an honest, approachable, non judgemental fashion.

Looking back, when I attempt to pinpoint my exact veganversary or vegan birthdate, it's tough. But, I do know that around this time of year in 2007, somewhere between late April and June, I made the decision to live as compassionately and nonviolently a possible. And for me, that meant choosing to become vegan.

Red What?

So in recent months I've become more informed of the history of Native Americans in this country, especially when it comes to the oppression and lets be honest, genocide perpetrated against them.

One issue that has been getting much attention over the years is the use of Native symbols as mascots for sports teams.  In fact, the first high school I attended in the Midwest had the same mascot as a certain NFL team in Washington State. I was curious to see if the same controversy had touched them and indeed it had. What I found disturbing though, was that there was such an outcry to keep the offensive mascot name, that nearly half of the student body refused to vote in protest when it came time to pick a new mascot. I sit here shaking my head. The arrogance of a group of people who when confronted by the very people that a symbol is claimed to honor,yet refusing to listen to or have any sensitivity towards them whatsoever.

I love this video below released by the National Congress of American Indians. Really gets the point across.

It aired in a shorter form during last night's NBA finals telecast. 

 Newsflash.  If I (or anyone) tell you that a word or symbol you're using to describe me is offensive and hurtful, guess what? It is. And it needs to stop. Now.

Color Blind?

"If you don't see color, then you don't see me."

-Racey from the webseries The Unwritten Rules.


Like I mentioned in my previous post, I've been away from my blog for quite a while. But this issue of 'color-blindness' is one that I've discussed briefly on social media.

Last year, I shared the work of provocative podcast host and author, Tiffany Rae Reed. She is the author of Color blind:A Mixed Girl's Perspective on Biracial Life.  I posted a link to her book on my Facebook wall last Fall right after I read it for the first time.     The response was of course positive.   But, as I suspected it might happen, I did get some pushback suggesting that we all should indeed strive to achieve colorblindness in order to move on from our country's racially charged past.

I admit, for most of my adult life I believed this was desirable as a Black woman. I think I've even used the term to describe myself, believing it proved my truly open and non-prejudicial nature and life.

But, what I didn't realize at the time(until a couple of years ago, seriously..) was that by pursuing this ideal of complete racial harmony and acceptance, I was doing others a disservice by refusing as Racey says to truly see them, color and all.

The profound words of my friend Tiffany and now this character Racey have solidified my rejection of the color blind ideology.

If you've never seen an episode of the Unwritten Rules, which is based on the book of the same name, I highly recommend it.  I suggest starting with the first season and binge viewing(episodes are short, enlightening, and entertaining) all the way through to the current season(3).  Otherwise, check out this month's episode on mistaken identity where Racey delivers the above words that stopped me cold as I walked through my kitchen and invited no small amount of soul-searching.

Long time, no post

Yep, it's been a long time since I last posted anything here. Over a year and a half.
What have you been up to Val?   Well, for those who know me on Facebook, I'm actually pretty active. 
Much of what I've shared as newsworthy links and sometimes outraged posts on my 'wall' could have just as well been fodder for thoughtful blog posts here.

I even got this crazy idea for novel. We'll see how it goes.

 My goal is to now post here at least once a week. I'm toying with the idea of moving my blog over to Wordpress(which I'm completely confused on how to work by the way) and expanding black. female. christian. vegan. to include a Facebook page of the same name, in order to more regularly share and discuss many of the intersecting issues I care about.  

So, here's to blogging again!  Is there something that you used to do more regularly that you've gotten away from yet want to get back to?