What (not?) to Say When Cancer Comes Close to Home

 A few years ago my friend Rachel*, a vibrant wife and mother of 2 young children in her late 30's, was diagnosed with breast cancer.

 The shock and horror of that diagnosis and at such a young age took its toll on her family.  I know when I found out it really hit me that for the first time, I was now old enough to have a friend that could God forbid, lose their life from a degenerative disease.

  I spent hours crying and praying for her well being and for the strength to face the surgery, chemotherapy and possibly radiation that she would be exposed to.

 Before our first visit after receiving the news, I was struggling internally for what to say. How could I convey understanding, be supportive, yet without resorting to pity and condescension?  

  But then it came to me! The perfect and most certainly fear reducing response I could share. Words that would surely give her and her family comfort and peace as they navigated through the uncertainty of what was to come.

 The time came. I greeted my good friend with a hug and sincere inquiry on how she was feeling. How were she and her family were coping?  Did they need anything; meals, housecleaning?

  Then, I shared what I just knew would be well received and appreciated..

  I said, “You know Rachel, when I first heard the news of your diagnosis, I was so shocked and scared for you. Cried and prayed for you. But then, I realized and remembered that cancer isn’t the only disease that women your age are stricken with. Yeah, heart disease is actually the number one killer of women. And thousands of women die every year of ovarian, lung, pancreatic, and brain cancer. Too many to name really.”

  I continued, “So, what I’m saying is yes, you are dealing with breast cancer right now and a rare type at that.   But we really need to talk about building  awareness for ALL diseases that kill women, don’t ya think?  I mean, isn’t it just a bit selfish of you to expect me, your family and all your friends to be so focused on your experience when there are so many other illnesses out there that people are suffering from?  Come on Rachel suck it up, accept your diagnosis with some guts and dignity, because ALL DISEASES MATTER..”

 Now, if you are the kind of individual that I would be proud to call a friend, I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that you were mortified and disgusted by what you’ve just read.   Do I have a friend that was recently diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer? Yes.  While I admit to exaggerating her story here for effect, I did not actually attempt to bring ‘comfort’ to her by defensively  creating memes  throwing back in her face all the other diseases that women suffer and often die from, smugly listing them one by one.   How do you think that would have made her feel?    

*Rachel is a pseudonym. 

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